You weren’t the only one to notice that the skin around John McCain’s left eye has been sagging lately. Most of us have figured that the presidential candidate had simply suffered a stroke or hemorrhage, both frequent occurrences among the elderly, and often brought on by excessive stress. It was a natural assumption to make, because it explains, in a single sentence, just about everything we have witnessed over the last few weeks.
However, an even more illuminating revelation has just surfaced, and is about to break the airwaves as we speak: John McCain is a robot. Years and years of NASA-research has gone into developing the highly sophisticated maverobotic technology needed to keep a straight latex face (despite small glue-problems around the eye) while debunking conventional wisdom about the need for experience in a vice president, and the soundness of the economy being based on growth in the real wages of the middle and working class.
Asked whether withholding this information from the public amounted to dishonesty on the campaign’s part, McCain spokesman Rick Davis scoffed. “Look, we’re not that worried about the media spin on this issue. No one associated with John’s campaign has ever made an explicit claim about him being made of flesh and blood rather than silicone and titanium,” Davis said in a phone exchange with Soft Theory, “and not a single member of our hideously biased news media has so much as suggested cutting Barack Obama’s chest open with a rusty knife to see what he might be hiding. We’ve heard he has a heart of gold, well, let’s see that heart.”
Responding to the news of the humanoid nature of their opponent, Obama campaign officials claimed to be “utterly unsurprised.” “The reports about McCain being constructed in a lab is frankly just another example of how completely out of touch he is with regular Americans, most of whom are human beings spawned through sexual intercourse between consenting adults,” the campaign says in a written statement, adding that “[McCain's] firmware [is] in dire need of an update.”
McCain spokespeople, on the other hand, thinks this latest twist to an already twisted election cycle will favor McCain in voter’s minds. “The American people is ready for change,” Davis said. “For more than two hundred years, this country has been run by living, breathing organisms, and see where that has gotten us. Being a robot, it’s virtually impossible for McCain to die in office, since all he needs is a few thousand barrels a oil a day to recharge his high performance batteries. Barring some hypothetical energy crisis, our Johnnybot will be able to run for reelection again and again, effectively rendering the Democrats’ slanderous and sexist talking point about Sarah Palin’s experience moot.”
In a related story, President Bush has asked Congress to approve a bill which would oblige courts to sentence to death any “hacker” involved in “gaining illicit access to the software on which elected officials are running, whether for criminal, exploration or entertainment purposes.”
